Sadly, suicide is something that affects families, young people, and children all across the world. When someone takes their own life, grief is often experienced throughout the community. It impacts families, friends, and school communities: parents, teenagers, and young children.
For families and community members affected by suicide, support is really important. This includes professional support, but also warmth and care from relatives, friends, and the wider community. Unfortunately, there is still a lot of stigma surrounding suicide that can mean individuals and families receive less support than with other experiences of grief.
So, it’s essential to approach one another—and ourselves—with kindness and gentleness, accepting our own and others’ emotions and experiences. In this blog, we speak about experiences of grief after a suicide, how it affects the family, where to look for support, and how to care for each other.
Experiences of Grief
People often talk about a cycle, or stages, of grief. After a death or loss, family members may expect to move through a linear process of emotions, leaving behind one feeling and moving on to the next.
But the reality of grieving is very different. Grief isn’t linear, tidy, or clean. It’s normal to feel okay in one moment, and completely pulled apart in the next. People move back and forth between different emotions, which may continue to feel as raw and painful as at the start.
When someone is grieving, they are living in an unfolding trauma, not something that is finished and that they can move on from. The support they receive from their community in the early days often quickly goes away, and this can make them feel like the chapter should be done. But grieving isn’t a process that finishes, and time doesn’t ‘heal’ the wound. Instead, life expands around it, making it easier to manage.
Sometimes, expectations about a cycle of grief might make grieving even more difficult. Parents and other family members can feel like they’re ‘failing’ at moving through grief because they’re not following the linear process that is expected of them. These feelings of inadequacy can compound the guilt and hypervigilance that often follow a suicide.
When we’re grieving, it’s important to be kind and gentle to ourselves. There is no ‘right’ way to grieve, and all the emotions you feel are valid. Set aside time for self-care and attend to your physical and emotional needs. If you’re triggered, try to keep moving: change the environment and remind yourself that you’re still there.
How Suicide Affects the Family
When a family member, relative, or family friend dies by suicide, it shakes the family system. Each family member is impacted in their own way, but the collective is also affected, changing the way families relate, interact, and live together.
Families may experience a huge range of feelings and psychological responses. Grief isn’t a linear, tidy pathway, but a process that can jump between emotions, move back and forth, and feel more and less present. Family members may experience sadness, guilt, anxiety, depression, and anger.
Every person grieves differently, feeling and processing emotions in their unique way and at their own pace. In families, these divergent processes can sometimes conflict with one another. This may be experienced as a disruption to one’s own grieving process and can create additional emotions.
Parents and older siblings often carry not only their own emotions but also those of other family members. Sometimes, parents may struggle to manage their children’s emotions, such as anger. These challenges are very normal, and parents shouldn’t feel ashamed or guilty about these more difficult feelings.
Suicide is often sudden and unexpected. This means that grieving after a suicide can be very different from other occasions of death, such as when someone dies following an illness. It may bring feelings of guilt or thoughts about whether it could have been prevented. However, no one could have done anything differently or prevented it. The sadness and discomfort that caused the person to take their life were inside that person.
Looking for Support
Every family that is grieving a suicide should have access to professional support. Unfortunately, for many families, this support is hard to find. There may be a lack of available services or financial barriers to accessing care. Age can also be a factor: there are still not many professionals who work with adolescents, and even fewer with young children.
That said, when professional care is available, it can provide invaluable support. Grief specialists are very useful, although they may not be accessible to everyone. Family and individual therapists can also be amazing, supporting families in processes such as grounding and managing triggers. Support networks and support groups can provide effective support, and schools should play a central role in the well-being and protection of children.
There are also resources and books available that offer information and guidance for families experiencing grief, such as how to speak with children about death or support them in coping with their loss.
Sometimes, the barriers to this care and support are internal. Families often experience a shock response to a suicide, feeling completely overwhelmed and unable to make decisions. This can cause family members to withdraw, rather than reach out to others. Perceived stigma around suicide can also reinforce the instinct to hide.
However, accessing care requires coming out of withdrawal. For some people, relying on others to make these steps may be helpful. This might involve asking a family member or close friend to accompany them to an appointment or to assist in contacting various support services. Asking for others’ help doesn’t make us weak or incapable; instead, it’s a fundamental part of caring for one another, overcoming the grief and challenges that we experience as individuals, families, and communities, and moving through life together.
Attending Peer Support Groups
Peer support groups can be a valuable resource for individuals and families affected by suicide. When grieving a suicide, many people experience a feeling of isolation or of being alone in the world. By listening to the stories of other people who are affected by suicide, they can find something to identify with and share.
It’s often not a good idea to attend peer support groups in the early days of the grieving process. When something is very raw, hearing other stories can be overwhelming. It’s also important to have the capacity to know and place boundaries when forming relationships with other people who may also reach out for support. But once a person has some sense of groundedness, these new friendships can be a place to unite in celebration of life and in honour of death.
Speaking With a Person Affected by Suicide
Many people struggle to know what to say to a person affected by suicide. If you’re unsure how to start a conversation, it’s always good to be honest. You can tell them that you really want to be there for them, but you’re scared you’ll say the wrong thing. Let them know that if you do say something unhelpful, they can tell you.
Usually, it’s helpful to remind someone to be gentle to themselves, and that whatever they are experiencing, it’s all okay. They are processing everything in the way they need to.
If you open this kind of conversation, it’s important to enter it with your whole self. Be ready to listen and to stay with them.
Showing warmth and companionship to a community member, friend, or family member during the grieving process is truly important. When someone is already experiencing a loss, any other perception of loss can be very painful, and even small signs of distancing and avoidance may feel like abandonment. This avoidance can also feel like stigma and may add to feelings of judgment or isolation.
It’s essential not to withdraw from your relationships, even if you’re not ready to discuss what they’re experiencing. Continuing to show the warmth and care you would usually show to a person goes a long way.
