When a person ends their own life, children often have many questions. Parents are often unsure about how to respond or what to say.
Some parents may try to protect their children by not answering questions, but while it may feel instinctive, it’s not a helpful response. When adults avoid speaking directly about suicide, suicide can become a secret and take on additional notions in a child’s mind. Children and teenagers tend to answer for themselves what they don’t know or understand, often not in the most helpful or factual way. This can cause suicide to become more powerful, attached to ideas, conceptions, and emotions that may not reflect the facts about what has happened.
So when we’re speaking with children about suicide, we’re trying to avoid it becoming a secret, whether that’s with siblings, close friends, or the wider community. It’s essential to answer questions factually and correctly, replying to even the smallest question in an age-appropriate and factual way. We should use concise, straightforward explanations that directly address each question. This kind of practice stops suicide from becoming something unknown and scary.
A child’s understanding of death will depend on their developmental age. Younger children are often curious about death but may not understand that death is final. This might affect the type of questions they ask, and what we should be most careful to communicate.
“Why?”
Questioning why something has happened is part of human nature: it’s a curiosity that’s present even among young children. One of the most common questions children ask about suicide is ‘why?’.
We may have some ideas about why a person has taken their own life, but we can never be entirely sure. Sometimes, a person may have left a note or some other form of communication, but ultimately, only the person who made the decision can fully answer that question.
But we know, and can say, that suicide happens after a person has been unfortunate and in a lot of discomfort for a long time. This experience is very different from the everyday disappointments and ups and downs of daily life that are familiar to us as families, individuals, or children. It’s very different from the kinds of emotions we experience when something doesn’t go our way or when we’re disappointed about something.
“What is suicide?”
When a child asks what suicide is, we should give a short and clear answer. Suicide is when someone is no longer alive because they felt that they were unable to continue feeling the way they felt or living the life they were living.
“Will I die by suicide, too?”
After a family member ends their life, some children may ask whether they will also die by suicide. They may think that because someone in their family has died by suicide, it will happen to them too.
But it’s important to emphasise that most people in families with a history of suicide do not end their own lives. While there is an increased risk factor among families with a history of suicide and severe mental illness, it’s not something that will happen to them by default.
“If I die by suicide, too, will I be reunited with my family member, sibling, friend, or parent?”
If a child asks about being reunited with the person who has died by suicide by ending their own life, the answer should always be no. Whatever our belief system is, it’s important to remember that children often have a different understanding of death from us. They may think that by dying, they can visit their parent, sibling, or friend and then return to their life.
This means that it’s essential to answer no. Some families hold different beliefs about what happens after death, influenced by their culture or religion. And they may explore these beliefs if it’s appropriate, sometimes with the support of a religious teacher, guide, priest, or someone else. But we should always take care not to reinforce the idea that death is something you can visit and return from.
“Could I have prevented it? What could I have done differently?”
When a friend, family member, or community member takes their own life, some people may feel like they could have done something to prevent it. This type of self-blame is sad but common, affecting both children and adults. Children may question whether they could have saved them or feel distressed about what they might have done differently.
Here, it’s essential to communicate that no one could have done anything differently or prevented it. The sadness and discomfort that caused the person to take their life was inside that person. It’s not something that someone on the outside could have made a difference to.
Grieving a suicide can be complicated, and it requires appropriate support. Suicide may contradict a child’s conception of a natural order of death (“my great grandparents, grandparents, parents, and then me”) that tends to be experienced in young brains. It might change their perception of mortality and longevity.
We should be careful to explain that suicide is very unusual and it’s not something that happens all the time. This doesn’t mean that it’s shameful or any less worthy of grief, but it’s not something that will keep occurring.
Sadly, there is still a lot of stigma attached to death by suicide that can disrupt our natural grieving processes. Society often conveys the message that when suicide exists, grieving doesn’t take shape as it otherwise would; that, in some way, we shouldn’t be able to grieve in the way we need to. This can make grieving a suicide on the broader community or closer to home even more complicated for young people.
When supporting young people after a suicide, we need to allow them to grieve fully and naturally. Every person or child grieves differently, feeling and processing emotions in their own way. We can remind them, too, to be gentle with themselves, and remember that whatever they are experiencing is all okay.
